In a mobile and connected world, we have opportunities to meet and learn from people worldwide. And with these opportunities come more chances of finding love, sometimes thousands of miles away from home.
Long-distance relationships (LDRs) used to be an anomaly, often happening later in an established couple. One member would have to move for studies, work, or military service, and the relationship had to adapt to this change.
But nowadays, we can fall in love at a distance, too. With the internet, it's easier than ever to establish relationships, romantic or otherwise, even before seeing the other person "in real life," or IRL.
What challenges do LDRs have that typical relationships do not? How can people in an LDR ensure the success of their relationship? We will explore these questions in this article.
At a Glance
Lost-distance relationships have some unique challenges. It isn't uncommon for people to struggle with communication, unrealistic expectations, and financial concerns about traveling to be together in person. Experts suggest that you can make a long-distance relationship work as long as you communicate often and treat it like you would a geographically-close relationship.
Unique Challenges of Long Distance Relationships
Although every romantic relationship has challenges, studies show that long-distance relationships have a set of potential issues that are particular to the geographical distance between the members. Challenges may include:
- Experiencing financial strain related to travel
- Having more extreme emotions related to the relationship
- Maintaining high expectations around face-to-face meetings given how infrequent and short they are
- Negotiating boundaries between local friends and the distance partner
- Having an unrealistic view of the state of the relationship
Financial Strain
Financial strain is an obvious factor that every person in a long-distance relationship has experienced. Whether it's the high fuel costs of driving hundreds of miles, or the time and financial commitment of frequent airplane travel, couples in long-distance relationships need to budget for travel costs just as they would other costs like a mortgage, food, and clothing.
Boundary Negotiation
The boundary negotiation is a trickier element to manage. People in long-distance relationships can develop jealousy towards their partner's local friends, often complaining that they spend "too much time" with them.
Jealousy and Infidelity
There is also the risk of your partner developing an intimate relationship or falling in love with someone else while you are away. Establishing clear boundaries, being honest, and understanding that people need social interactions face-to-face will go a long in defusing these potential problems.
Expectations vs. Reality
When we spend time with our partner every day, or at least regularly, the interactions contain a lot of mundane, every day things like being sick, doing groceries, cleaning your teeth, or just sitting exhausted in front of the TV.
However, in long-distance relationships, the expectations that face-to-face meetings will be magical, full of fantastic sex, and romantic often hit the wall of, well, how life actually works.
These high expectations can often make partners disappointed and resentful that the time spent together was not "like what they imagined."
Misattributing Relationship Problems
It's also very easy to dismiss or ignore growing relationship trouble because of distance. We assign it to stress, to the distance itself, to missing each other, rather than actual behavior of disengagement. It's more difficult to gauge whether our partner is really committed to the relationship because we do not see their behavior on a daily basis.
Finally, research has shown that feelings of excitement, jealousy, love, and anger tend to be more extreme in people in long-distance relationships. This means the potential for emotionally fueled decisions, unnecessary fights, and piercing disappointment.
Can a Long-Distance Relationship Last?
After these challenges, being happy in long-distance relationships seems almost impossible. But this is far from being the case. Yes, long-distance relationships have challenges and difficulties that do not arise in geographically close relationships, but it doesn't mean they can't work.
Studies reveal that people in LDRs have equal or higher levels of satisfaction, strong communication, and intimacy.
What does it depend on, then? Research on whether attitude impacted the likelihood of a long-distance relationship surviving shows that those with positive outlooks scored higher in how well they communicated with their partner, overall satisfaction, and other areas that might predict the likelihood that a relationship would survive.
Positive Interactions are Essential
What does this mean? It means that maintaining positive feelings and interactions and making partners feel secure, safe, and committed was just as crucial for long-distance relationships as for same-city relationships. In other words, what you do in a geographically close relationship also applies to LDRs.
Sharing the details of your life is essential, suggests divorce lawyer Laura Wasser. "Immerse yourselves in each other's worlds, even from afar. Share that quirky article you read during lunch, send them pictures of the sunrise from your window, or simply share the fragrance of the freshly bloomed flowers in your garden through words, she recommends.
Seeing Your Partner Is Important
In terms of communication, video or phone are better than emails and text. However, face-to-face contact was especially important and made a big difference for people in long-distance relationships.
In other words, LDRs worked the same way as same-city relationships as long as the two people met in person at least a few times a year. If you want to maintain a healthy long-distance relationship, save money for traveling and plan on meeting regularly.
Normal Relationship Rules Still Apply
Otherwise, the same general rules for romantic relationships apply: communicate openly, make your expectations and needs clear, strive for intimacy and trust, and be trustworthy.
It is important to keep your promises and maintain your commitments. If you plan on speaking on the phone once a day, for example, consider this an essential part of maintaining your relationship. It is not optional or "only when you have time".
How Long-Distance Relationships Affect Your Mental Health
How to Have a Successful Long-Distance Relationship
So what can you do to make sure that the distance doesn't come between you and your partner? According to therapist and life coach Daniel Rinaldi, MHC, communication is critical. He recommends several tips that can help you stay connected, even when there are miles and miles between you:
Schedule Times to Check In With One Another
Life can get busy, which can make it challenging to make time to talk. Regular check-ins can help foster a stronger emotional connection, Rinaldi says.
"Being open and honest with each other will help to decrease misunderstandings that are not so easily fixed at a distance," he says.
Be Respectful and Understanding
It's also important to respect where your partner is, both physically and emotionally, even though you are apart.
"This can mean everything from time zones, work hours, sleeping time or with family, and simply if they're up for talking," Rinaldi explains. If your partner is exhausted after a long work day, it's important to understand that they may need some time to unwind before they feel up to talking.
Share Meaningful Conversations and Moments
Daily conversations are important, but it's also essential to dig a little deeper. Find activities that you can do together at a distance, such as watching movies, reading books, or other activities you enjoy.
"This will create opportunities to feel connected and will give you the ability to share these moments with each other," Rinaldi says.
Face-to-face visits can be helpful if you can swing it. Make memories during your time together and commemorate them in some way so they will hold you over until the next time you are together. Rinandi suggests making a scrapbook by creating a shared digital folder where you can save photos or other relationship memorabilia.
Don't Skip the Small Gestures
Doing things for your partner and listening to what they have to say is essential in any healthy relationship, including long-distance ones.
We're living in a digital age, and even though you may not be physically close, there are so many ways to stay in touch and create moments like virtual dates or letting your partner know you are thinking of them at that moment.
— DANIEL RINALDI, MHC, THERAPIST AND LIFE COACH
One app he recommends that is great for creating these emotional connections is Marco Polo. It allows users to leave messages that can be viewed at the other person's convenience. This can be particularly helpful for couples living in different time zones who may not be available to talk due to their work schedules.
Talk About the Future
Long-distance relationships can be challenging at times, but keeping the future in mind can be helpful. Rinaldi recommends regularly talking about what the future might hold.
"This might make it easier to know that this isn't forever, just what the relationship looks like right now. Talking about the future is important for your relationship, trust, boundaries, and strength as a couple," he explains.
